Just Tired

From a Facebook page that I’m a member of. Don’t think I’ve read anything recently that better gets to the heart of the weariness so many American moms and dads are feeling:

Hi Moms, I guess I need your advice today. My recovering addicted daughter called last night from Nashville, she said her daughters father beat her up. She sent pictures. It broke my heart. She has supposedly been clean for 3 months. We’ve been going through this nightmare with her for over 13 years. She always has huge drama in her life, every man she gets involved with she says ends up abusing her. She’s also bipolar and has been arrested in the past for also abusing some of these men. She wants me to fly to Nashville to get my grandaughter ASAP, before DCF takes her. I know this should be a no brainier but I am tired and it always affects my husband and our marriage.

We have 4 addict children and a total of 7 adult children. This daughter, Amber, has chosen to live far away for years as she doesn’t like our advice. We’ve had to take other grandchildren from another daughter for 3 years.

We’ve been parents for 38 yrs, and we are just exhausted.

Our lives revolve around helping kids get into treatment, or visiting them in treatment, or going to court or trying to visit or help grandchildren that are effected by parents addiction. We are currently in NH, and we are suppose to go to Boston Sunday to celebrate our 30th anniversary, we have reservations, and tickets to the Redsox game. Now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to do. And I am actually afraid to go to Nashville, if my daughter is not telling me the whole truth which happens often, I could get into a mess and I feel like I’m just getting to old for all of it. I’m so tired. I just laid in my bed last night crying, and my husband told me we may have to just let it all go and whatever happens is Gods will.

I am posting mostly because you moms are the only ones that understand and when we can’t think for ourselves because of our overwhelming exhausting emotions, I feel that you all may help me see this more clearly. Thank you for being here Moms, I don’t know what I would do without you.


Filed under Dreamland, Drugs, The Heroin Heartland

5 Responses to Just Tired

  1. alan

    I am just throwing this out there, but why cant we give this person a controlled dose of the substance that they crave. You will give buprenorphine or methadone (at least and more addictive respectively) but not diamorphine. Why is that? By banning the poppy, you take something that is as plentiful and cheap as wheat or barley, limit the supply to become more expensive than gold and put it in the hands of gangsters. Why? What will it take for you to realise that the war on drugs is over. And guess what…You lost

  2. Carol Schmidt

    Let her go and let the child go into protective services. Enjoy your 30th anniversary to the fullest possible. This may be the low your daughter needs to get help. If not, you can get your granddaughter later if your guilt gets too bad anyway, or if you find out she is not being treated well in foster care. I don’t know how much you can be part of the girl’s life once she is in someone else’s care, and at least in Arizona, foster care can be horrific. Or it can be very good for a child, probably better than life with your daughter now. You must take care of yourself! My wife had just divorced her husband after 18 yeas of abuse, hoping to get her three kids out of high school before she left, when she had one last straw of abuse and left, taking the kids at first whil she tried to go to community college, work, and keep up a new place to live and the three kids. The two boys were lured to their father’s (he had immediately remarried after threatening suicide if my wife didn’t come home because he couldn’t live without her) and so she gave the 14-year-old daughter to him as well because she couldn’t handle the rebellious teen without the older brothers watching her, too. All three lived happily ever after, though the girl went through some more bad times with a bad husband choice. All are fine now, and so is my legal wife of 12 years, my life partner of 37 years. Take care of yourself–no one else will!

  3. Angela Smiley

    I also am a recovering addict and now the Mother of an active addict. Sadly I know both ends of your story. Speaking to you from the addict daughter and the Mother of an addict, I would encourage you to step away from your daughter and the toxic drama she brings. She will continue to lie, make mountains out of molehills and play on your emotions until you have nothing left of yourself. Misery loves company… She wants you to suffer as she suffers. Do not run and disrupt your life for someone who has no regard for their own life. You will be contacted by DCS if your grandchild is removed from your daughter. If you feel you can care for her do it, if not let someone who can do it. You have to take care of you before you can help anyone else. Remember even if you are on an airplane going down, your instructions are to place the oxygen on your face before attempting to help the person beside you! Prayers for you and your family… Angela Smiley

  4. Darla

    If I were in your shoes, I would begin to set my boundaries and proceed with my anniversary trip. We have to teach people, even our children, how to treat us. Do things only if they are fun or if they are free (meaning you expect nothing in return). Those of you in Al-Anon will recognize the things I am saying are all things I have learned in Al-Anon meetings. Caring for myself when my child is in crisis seem counterintuitive to parenting, but something I must do to save my addict’s life. Once I began setting boundaries, I gave myself permission to relax and do the things in my life that make me happy. I didn’t stop loving my addict child, but I also won’t condone bad, abusive behaviors. Until I allow my addict child to feel the pinch of her actions and addiction, she will never learn to live and do things for herself. Al-Anon has been a tremendous support for me to remain sane during the insanity of addiction of my loved one.

  5. Christina A.

    I’m a journalist in recovery. Sober 14 years. I’ve followed you for several-when you were covering solitary confinement issues at the same time I was. Anyways, just want to give a plug for Alanon. The recovery program for people in relationship with addicts and alcoholics can be a source of support and recovery for them, the ones who “have it together.” If either parent had alcoholic/addict parents I highly recommend ACA-adult children of alcoholics to help them overcome hard relationship dynamics that may be well ingrained. As they say alcoholism/addiction is but a symptom. Needless to say, it is difficult to be in relationship with a chronic relapser. Self care and growth is paramount.

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